I Hate Myself

If I'm not working out, you can bet your tushy I'm wearing concealer to cover up these dark under-eye circles of mine. It's just part of my morning (or whenever I wake up) routine. Brush teeth, wash face, tap a little concealer under the eyes, get dressed. In law school, that step was essential to not looking like the walking dead; now that my circles are less sleep-deprived and more a hereditary curse, I just prefer to brighten that area up.

Yesterday, my blogger feed was flooded with beautiful pictures of Kate from The Florkens, sans makeup. And when I read Kate's call to 'bare it all' in her post yesterday, I had to find the courage to participate. One does not simply refuse to pick up a call from Kate. Also, I love the message behind the linkup, don't try so hard, asking us to bravely share a photo of ourselves without all the hair, makeup and other prep that goes into our usual selfies and to share one thing we like about ourselves.

Months ago, I published a post about feeling beautiful, sharing tips I find helpful to reminding myself appreciate my own beauty. But I'll be the first to admit that I feel a bit naked with a completely bare face. One coat of mascara opens up your eyes so nicely and concealer is my best friend as stated above. I can't say I was excited to share this all natural selfie.

It's funny how one thought or observation can lead you to another one that ends up being even more important. Or how something so general can teach you something very personal about yourself. When I first read about this linkup yesterday, I was lying in bed, half-awake, eyes barely open and oily-faced as I tend to wake up. Linkup or not, no one wants a picture of that. So I went searching through my phone for a picture of myself without makeup. And I couldn't find one. Repeat.

I could not find a single picture of myself without makeup. Over 2,000 pictures in my phone dating all the way back to 2009, and nothing. My immediate thought was OMG, I hate myself. Not in the sense of "I-hate-myself-for-not-having-one", but in the literal "wow-I-must-hate-myself-if-I-dont-have-one-natural-picture-of-my-face". Almost as if my face, the one I was born with, wasn't good enough or pretty enough or precious enough to commemorate as is. How depressing is that?

I'm not sure why or how this became a reality. It's not that I particularly dislike my face. I'm not one of those girls that cannot go out without "putting her face on" and layering on the products. I have all the products of course because I like makeup and pretty hair. I enjoy having my pick of lipsticks and blushes in a variety of shades and finishes. I like the way false lashes make a girl's eyes look fluttery and flirtatious, although I'm terrible at applying them and usually just give up. I'm in awe of the power of a good contour and highlight (#CheekbonesToHeaven). And who doesn't like shiny, silky hair? But I don't need it. Frequently, all I need is a little concealer, mascara and lip color to feel put together. In fact, I find that I like my lips and my high cheekbones, whether or not I have on makeup. Yet, none of this answers the question as to why I don't take "natural selfies". I don't really have an answer. That is unless you count today when I stepped out without much more than brushing my hair, washing my face and swiping on some chapstick. Not an answer, but it's something.

the florkens

Are you brave enough to share your natural beauty?